After Thoughts
by Dark-Angel42
Summary: Padme Naberrie Skywalker's after thoughts on Anakin and her love for him... all mush-mush... =P R & R. ^_^


I stand by my window and stare off into the endless serene sky. The sun sits directly above me in this cerulean heaven, lighting up my home planet of Naboo with its glorious and happy glow. A golden plate upon a blue tablecloth is what it resembles in my mind, a beauty standing in the middle of a countless amount of plain and meaningless surroundings. I watch as clouds roll by the picturesque scene in front of my eyes, a scene that I can't connect with anything else. It's a scene that contrasts everything I've seen in the past week or so.  
  
It is here on Naboo that I am able to hear the sounds of birds, the sounds of serenity and the sounds of the wind gently blowing past my ears. It is here that will always be my home and the place where I feel the most comfortable. It is everywhere else that I don't want to be. I don't want to be on Coruscant or Tatooine.  
  
Despite this calm, I can still feel the fear. I can still hear the voices, the piercing noise that echoed through the air some time ago. I can still see the images flashing through my mind and they seem to rest before my eyes, the clones, the Geonosians and their home world and Count Dooku. The image of the Clone Wars, well, what I believe to be the beginning of the Clone Wars, still startle me. There is no promise in war. There never will be. All it is is death and destruction, chaos and suffering.  
  
When I was standing in that arena, locked to that pillar, all I could see when I looked up was Count Dooku's threatening glare. He even grinned evilly at me, which sent chills down my spine and picturing it now makes me shiver more. I knew in the beginning that he was behind the attacks on my life, the attacks that killed many, even my dear friend and handmaiden, Cordé. How I miss her smiling face and even those words on her dying breath. I have to close my eyes and swallow the tears. "I'm sorry, M'Lady." I'm so sorry for putting you in that position, Cordé. I even told myself after you collapsed and lay lifeless in my arms that I should not have come back. The next thing I knew, Captain Typho was kneeling beside me, telling me that I wasn't safe there and I was still in danger. He sounded so urgent when he explained that you did what you had to and then he begged me to come with him. I had to leave you there.  
  
He escaped and no one knows where he is now. I have a feeling that we'll know soon enough, but I feel the dismay that it may be too late when we do. Count Dooku was always a traitor.  
  
There was some good through this despite the horror. If the first assassination attempt on my life had happened, I would not have met the one person who saves my soul at this moment. A whole ten years and it feels like a lifetime. He is the only one who is able to stare into my eyes and make the pain and anxiety dissipate from my body, like water in heat. He was the water, the comfort and tenderness, while I was the heat, bothered and searing with worry. Who would have known that he would be my protector through all this? He would be my shield from the turmoil.  
  
The Jedi had assigned him and his Jedi master and teacher, Obi-Wan Kenobi, to watch over me and secure my safety after my ship was attacked for the first time on Coruscant. At first, I argued with Chancellor Palpatine and the Jedi but ended up failing in my attempt. The Jedi picked them because they already knew me from our previous account together back on Naboo ten years ago when the Trade Federation chose to attack us.  
  
Even now when I think back on that moment when Anakin stepped into the room, I didn't recognize him at first. I kept more of my attention on Master Kenobi. I even told him he'd grown up, and I mean genuinely grown up from when I met him on Tatooine for the first time when he was nine year of age. No longer was he small and a little boy, but he was standing before me, a fully-grown man of nineteen. His golden hair had darkened into a more shade of russet and the way he glanced at me with those ocean blue of eyes of his, sent warm shivers down my spine. Anakin Skywalker had definitely changed.  
  
There was always that hint that he was still that Anakin I met. The "So have you. You're far more beautiful. well, for a Senator, I mean." statement and his flushed cheeks gave me a glimpse that he was still that Anakin I once knew on Tatooine. I believe he always thought me to be beautiful. Even long ago, when I first entered that shop on Tatooine in Mos Espa, he caught me in his stare. I heard him say, "Are you an angel?" which he then described them to be the most alluring creatures in the universe. I've never seen them personally, but I trusted his truthfulness.  
  
That small glance into his eyes in that room when I saw him again gave me a view into his soul. Anakin always will have a beautiful soul with a good heart. His spirit has not changed one bit, but he seems so defiant. Even though Obi-Wan was is master, Anakin in a way, towers over him.  
  
This became evident to me when we were in my quarters on Coruscant, when I was packing my things. Anakin's eyes followed me everywhere I went. I never did complain because it gave me a sense of security. He wouldn't dare leave my side after those kouhans had been placed into my room while I was sleeping. We spoke to each other and I remember when he told me that his skills have beaten his masters. It seemed impossible for a minute until I realized that he was the Chosen One, the one person who would bring balance to the Force. He complained about Obi-Wan and how he failed to see how much his padawan exceeds others. Obi-Wan was only teaching him.  
  
Anakin's want to be more than others is another compelling characteristic that catches my attention. He wishes to be more than what he is, to do more for others than himself and he is the individual who presses today to be in love with me. It is against his Jedi Code and his morals, against what Obi- Wan wants for him and it is against the rest of the Jedi Order. He does anything and everything to be with me even though he knows it's wrong.  
  
Even in the Refugee Transport ship, I saw that he was in love with me. The slightest eye contact and even what he said to me, demonstrated that he was hiding a secret from me, or at least he thought his secret was hidden. It wasn't.  
  
"Are you allowed to love? I thought that was forbidden for a Jedi?"  
  
"Attachment... is forbidden. Possession is forbidden. Compassion, which I would define as unconditional love, is central to a Jedi's life. So, you might say we are encouraged to love."  
  
He became wise beyond his years at that moment and I couldn't help but stare at him. The way he looked at me seemed to bore down into my soul and I couldn't stop watching him. It was then I felt a familiar sensation from our first meeting. He was my friend, and the dear one I've missed for so long. I also felt a sensation that I was not quite familiar to - love. A simple statement like that one could have a thousand different meanings. It was the feeling of devotion that seemed to spill out of every single word then.  
  
I stare down at my dress in silent thought. I forced myself to ignore it then. There was almost something inside of me telling me that I had to discount the feelings that he showed me when he said those words. That's exactly what I did. I knew I had no place for any type of emotional bonding with another.  
  
I made my feelings clear to Anakin then, but still he pressed without any sort of struggle. He was never willing to back to win my heart. I could see he was anxious, but he never told me or pressed me to love him.  
  
We sat alone in a large room; the couch that we sat on together was comfortable, giving me extra comfort. We talked about everything we missed when we weren't together for those ten years. As we talked, I noticed that there was longing in the gaze he gave me. It was a quiet longing and it also unnerved me to every extent. Those blue eyes of his became so fathomless and open suddenly and I stared back, not knowing what was on his mind. He wished to speak, but it took him a minute to finally find the words to express what he was willing to tell me.  
  
"From the moment I met you, all those years ago, a day hasn't gone by when I haven't thought of you. And now that I'm close to you again, I'm in agony."  
  
I wanted to say something, but I didn't dare because I knew I couldn't stop what was coming from his lips. I swallowed hard instead and just waited for the words to come out.  
  
"The closer I get to you, the worse it gets. The thought of not being with you makes my stomach turn over - my mouth goes dry. I feel dizzy. I can't breathe. I'm haunted by the kiss you should never have given me."  
  
The vision of the balcony over-looking the lake struck my mind with full force. I remembered all to clearly what had happened there. I didn't even remember what came over me then. My first kiss with Anakin. It just came so suddenly. I was standing with him, talking about what I did when I was a little girl, and he brought up Tatooine. The coarse and rough sand. I felt his touch on me, which sent a warm shock through my system. It was hard to concentrate, so I kept my focus on the lake ahead of my eyes. Next thing I knew, my glance was back to him and I felt his warm lips on mine. The lips that fit so perfectly upon my own.  
  
"My heart is beating, hoping that kiss will not become a scar. You are in my very soul, tormenting me. What can I do? I will do anything you ask. If you are suffering as much as I am, tell me."  
  
I realized first that maybe there was something inside me yearning for him. The way he looked at me, he was so open and honest about what he was feeling. I found his earnest so admirable then, but all that ran through my mind was my life. A job as a Senator to my home planet had no place for a relationship with a man, let alone a Jedi. That's why I disagreed with what he said. A Jedi and a Senator was crazy, even the thought of it made me uneasy. Jedi were not allowed to love and I was not going to allow a relationship with him to hold me down.  
  
Running my fingers across the soft silk, pearl material, I turn my gaze toward the mirror sitting in front of me. My reflection stares back at me in silence, a reflection that holds a smile. I am happy, happy to finally be with him. We've been through too much to let it end now. We've come this far and our feelings have been revealed to one another. There is nothing holding us back if we keep all a secret, a secret that I once thought would destroy us. You thought the same, but that has been washed away just as easily as it came. The images have been far too destructive to hold any type of hope. The only hope I have now is with him. He will bring me the hope I need to look past these wars and toward a brighter future.  
  
My future was bleak that one day in the arena on Geonosis. I still remember it like it was just yesterday. Going into the arena was the thing I remember perfectly and was what I said to Anakin. The reality hit me then. I couldn't deny what I was feeling inside me because that wouldn't be right. If you love someone, you should always tell him or her that you do. Love is far too important to leave unheard. It's far too strong and powerful to hold inside. I had been hiding it to protect myself, but I couldn't be protected anymore. I was about to die. I would not be able to tell him anything if I was dead. I couldn't part without telling Anakin how I felt about him.  
  
I think he could feel my discomfort as I stared out into the sunlight arena. It was covered in sand and so wide, an open space with an emptiness that made me shiver. That wasn't the place I wanted to die. I wanted to die when I was older, in a warm bed and I wanted to die happy.  
  
"Don't be afraid."  
  
I kept my eyes on the ground. "I'm not afraid to die. I've been dying a little every day since you came back into my life."  
  
"What are you talking about?"  
  
So, I let it slip. "I love you."  
  
His expression will always remain in my memory. It held so much disbelief and shock. "You love me...? I thought we decided not to fall in love. That we would be forced to live a lie. That is would destroy our lives..."  
  
"I think our lives are about to be destroyed anyway..." I looked at him then, honestly surrounding my aura. I knew what I was saying was right. "I truly, deeply, love you. And before we die... I want you to know."  
  
The kiss the two of shared then reminded me so much of the kiss we shared during our wedding. It seems that every kiss now shares so much meaning. It holds in it everything; passion, hope, love, reassurance that we would never leave one another. It holds a great variety of things, all equally meaningful. The kisses we share all represent our bond and a silent vow that, as Anakin said during the wedding, "Long or short... I vow to spend the rest of my life with you." I believe him. I believe what I feel. I believe that he is the one. I believe that there is hope despite the chaos.  
  
I hear the door open and I watch in the mirror. I smile when I catch who just walks inside. "Anakin." I say simply, turning around to meet him. That warm feeling covers me like a blanket again. It always does when he's around. Just knowing that he belongs to me makes me feel so calm.  
  
"I thought you'd be changed already." A sly grin crosses his facial features as he steps over to me, capturing me inside his arms. Feeling the love that flows out of him, I cuddle and lay my head against his chest. I close my eyes and allow myself to drift in his presence. Never have I felt such love pour out of one person. Never have I felt so protected and cared for.  
  
I shake my head. "No, I didn't change yet."  
  
He looked down at me with a questioning stare. "Then what were you doing?"  
  
I meet his gaze and grin to myself. His blue eyes stare down at me intently, almost as if searching my thoughts for what meaning I stored inside my memory. Tracing my hands up his chest, I shrug. "I'm just having after thoughts, beloved. Nothing to be worried about. I'm just reminiscing about everything that happened to bring us where we are now."  
  
"And do you regret anything?" His hold on me tightens and I stare at him silently, my two hands on either side of his face.  
  
"Never." I stand up slightly on my tiptoes to kiss the lips of the man that I adore so much. I seem to find myself melting in his embrace. His hands trail to the base of my back, pressing me against him. The kiss only grows in passion, but I welcome all that comes from Anakin now. Everything we do just feels so right and all disappears when we're together and I find myself just with him, all alone in the world. There is nothing but the two of us and the way we feel about one another. There is no more rules or obligations, no more Jedi or governments officials. There is just the two of us in our own world. Anakin and I, two lovers that have finally found one another. The journey was long and dangerous, but if we stay together, I know that we'll make it through everything. We pulled down enough barriers and fought enough. I can't fight anymore. I love him.  
  
I love him... nothing will ever change that.  
  
THE END 


End file.
